Ten of us went to Taste of Rampur. Buffet lunch was good. Interesting topics turned by during the conversation. The teenage date line, Feb 14th law in UP, etc were hot topics. Slowly the discussion moved on to our ever time favorite discussion .. the self-arranged marriage and the traditional cruelty.
JB: Heard from unofficial source that NT govt has passed a secret note to the courts in the state. After seeing the alarming divorce rate, the govt wants to have a control over the situation. They have asked the court not to involve the parties into arguments, instead drag the case for 2 years or so by conducting consoling and hearings. This way the number of divorce that need to be issued might come down because the parties might frustrate and turn away. That seems to be a stupid move. When there is a problem with the basic process upon which the marriage is build, we will be seeing such collapses in the relationship matters. If the root cause need to be address instead of doing a superficial polish on the outer side.
VY: JB, what do you think is the cause for the sudden raise in the rate of divorce?
JB: I would say that the main cause is the parents', relatives' involvement in deciding the spouse of a person. The criteria of the parents for a person is different from what a person might be looking for or need. That needs to be looked into. When we see a marriage advertisement, we always see the detail about caste, community, status, horoscope, occupation etc. Those are the criteria the parents think are required for a happy married life. If you consider a boy and a girl deciding to marry, none of these criteria comes into their absolute requirement ... not even a 'preferred' to have list. So, there is a vast different between their perception.
SJ: Let me tell you why the parents' pick is better. Before marriage, the couples will try to impress each other and try to put their good characters out. After marriage the real face turns out and frictions comes in. Parents and relatives come in help to resolve the differences and soothe the relationship.
JB: I agree. I don't say that self-arrangement imply that they live happily ever after. They will have to face issues, frictions, they might divorce etc. But I am talking about the criteria to choose a partner.
GA: A divorced person can never find happiness. He or she might marry and get divorced again and ruin their life.
SJ: That was the case 30 yrs before. There was no life beyond a normal married life. Marriage means for life two are together .. they like it or not. The society looked it like that it was impossible to come out.
JB: Today it is different. One can jump out of marriage, in one week marry again etc. It is possible.
The point here is that boys and girls have matured much beyond what we were earlier. We have more exposure. We can choose things. We want to decide our own life. In such cases, it is difficult to walk through the path chalked by others.
PG: JB, parents have also changed. In our house, when we are looking for alliance for our sister, we asked her her preference, if she is interested in someone. We included that boy in the list of prospective and considered in par with others. We didnot promise to pick him but we will be choosing the best out of all.
JB: That is nice to hear. Wondering how many are broad like.
GA: Most are like that. It is not that they fix someone and you have to marry. They ask your opinion and if you are not interested, they drop the proposal.
JB: Not sure if it happens like that everywhere.
Anyway, the case of others arranging marriage is not unique to our country. It was followed all over the world. The problem with us is that we hold some tradition too dear to heart in spite of its danger. None of the other country practice such barbarian acts.
SJ: Just because others have changed doesn't mean we should follow them.
JB: I didn't mean to follow others. I would like to see the society becoming mature enough to grow out of the old way of thinking.
[Note] Thou we had discussed this topic for n number times in a lengthy manner, never we had come to a conclusion.
The lighter side in today's lunch is after RS dropped the spoon and the barrier picked it up. RS was able to related it to a joke and shared the same. I asked if it is bloggable. SJ suggested to point to google. Yes, I am able to find the same joke while searching for "spoon, waiter, thread, joke" :-)
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3 comments:
In my view, the increase in the rate of divorce is mainly due to the women becoming more independant. Arranged marriages are there right from the start of culture, and problems in families also have been there. Women could not move out of marriages because they had no other options, now since they can lead a life independant of men, they choose to move out of unhappy marriages. It would be interesting to know who is applying for divorce in most cases...men or women? Another reason would be an increase in stress levels in the society.
Agreed about the independence of the women. My point here is that if the independent man and women choose to find their partner, the probability of breaking might be lower than someone else deciding for them. Not saying that it wont happen, but the chance might reduce.
Those days men and women were dependent on each other and the society. It made sense for the society to influence to an extend in various aspects. However, these days sensing the out-going tendency of young people, frequent notes exchange with different culture, enormous exposure to entire world etc had lead to clarity in the mind of people. Most of them know what they want and demand to reach new heights.
With this shift in the mind set, it looks more appropriate to encourage the adults to choose their path in life than to curtain their thoughts with social rules and dogmas.
I would like to defer to your opinion about stress level. I believe stress was part of living being right from creation. Always being cautious of predators is stressful. Frequent wars, dacoits, famine, flood, dictators were stressful ...
I would not defy your views about choosing life-partners. Certainly every man and woman should be given the freedom to choose their companions for life. But I dont see arranged marriages as the sole cause of the increase in divorce rates. How many self-arranged marriages do you think are made after wise analysis? Many of them, if not all, happen out of infatuations. Marriages will be healthy and lasting only if the couple were given the freedom to choose and they have utilized it well.
I will think about your opinion on stress levels.
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